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Thursday, 10 August 2017

Dear Sir David Attenborough - Please Answer My Child's Bullshit Questions


Dear Sir David Attenborough,

I understand you're a busy man, however, the summer holidays are upon us and my six year old has not stopped talking and asking questions since the day he exited the school gates three weeks ago.
These questions mainly appear to be about animals, and to be quite honest he's driving me bat shit crazy (pun intended).

So I'm passing him over to you, because quite frankly I can't take anymore of this shit.

Below are ten questions that I was asked in the single space of this morning. I'm placing my trust in you that you can answer these, resulting in a few minutes of peace before the endless curiosity commences again.

God Speed

1. Do hedgehogs sink when put in water? 
*I'm not sure when you would be in a situation that called for you to immerse a hedgehog in water, but let's just say you were

2. Do crocodiles have bones?

3. Do crocodiles have a lot of health? 
*I'm unaware as to whether he's referring to physical or mental heath, however if the Crocodile has a six year old who asks as many questions as mine (and we're talking about mental health) then I'd be inclined to say No, it fucking doesn't. How about you Sir David?

4. Is there a swimming rock that can kill you?         
*If there is then tell it to come find me.

5. Can a shark get you if you're in jail? 
*For clarification, I asked if he meant an underwater cage, but no, he means an actual Jail with 'bad guys'.

6. Do creatures have blood? Like Bees? Do Bees have blood?

7. What about spiders? Do they have bones and blood? 

8. Are Hedgehogs real?

9. Do zombies eat other zombies and if they do then do their teeth fall out?
 *Technically not an animal question, but do we even care at this point?*

10. If a shark eats your heart and eyeballs, do they go in to his blood?
*And a Bonus Question which he's just asked me as I sit quivering in to my cup of coffee, wishing it was Gin

11. Jean is actually real, but he's not. Is he? 
*We don't know who Jean is nor what their gender is. But we know 'he' doesn't like numbers

Dear Sir David.
Please fucking help me.




Sunday, 30 July 2017

Now I Can Crawl 

Mum,
(I can call you Mum, right? I figure that now I'm crawling I'm too grown up for this Mama crap)
So, Mum.
You'll probably realise that since I found my hands and knees things have changed around these parts. I'm not the placid little soul I used to be. I grew up (a bit.)
Let's take that fireplace for example. I've never shown any interest in it before, but now I can move I'm going to get stuck right in to that fireplace. I'm going to eat the coal, pull all the bits off, and bang my head on the hearth. Repeatedly. I'm going to do this all day, every day, over and over again.
I'm no longer going to have my nappy changed without a fight. I'm going to flip myself over and crawl away, kick my legs up high and roll around everywhere. Gone are the days that I'd just lie there peacefully and allow you to change me. Now I'm going to make you sweat. Because, why not?
I've also decided that I want everything I'm not allowed to have. Wires, money, potpourri. I'm going to find them and I'm going to put them straight in my mouth. I'm not fond of this "Ah Ah" nonsense you keep spouting at me whenever I touch something you don't want me to. So I'm going to scream every time you say it.
This crawling malarkey has given me a whole new outlook on life! I'm that excited about my new found mobility that I can't stop waking up at night just to think about where I'm going to crawl to next. So many corners to explore. So many things to see!
But then I can't get back to sleep, so I practice my standing instead. And then I can't quite remember how to sit down so I have to scream. I did this 7 times last night so I'm feeling pretty cranky today. Probably gonna scream at you a bit more and pull your hair until you make me feel better.
And since I've been roaming from room to room I've kind of got the feeling that we're actually NOT the same person.
I mean, how can I be here and you be there? And just as I can crawl away from you, that means you can crawl away from me. And I don't want you to. So I'm going to cry every time I can't see you. And sometimes, when you're washing up or trying to cook tea, I'm going to hold on to your leg. Maybe I'll try and climb up it a bit. Just so you remember not to leave me. You might take this as a sign to pick me up. Don't. I'll only push and wriggle to go back down again. I just want to hang here, clinging to the back of your knee.
I'm going to make you really appreciate that Gin you like to pour yourself most nights! And soon you'll be working off that Fruit & Nut I frequently see you stuffing in to your face behind the fridge door (I can see you, you know! As I hang here from your jeans pocket) Because soon I'll be walking Mum.
And then the shit is really going to hit the fan!


Life Love and Dirty Dishes
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Sunday, 9 July 2017

CBeebies. For Grown Ups, Not Kids. 

If you have a child under the age of six then chances are that CBeebies is a regular presence in your household. If you're a new parent you may find you flick on CBeebies with great trepidation. You may still be under the illusion that you don't need a TV channel to babysit your kids. But don't worry. You'll soon get over that little hurdle, and once you realise that CBeebies is life, oh how you will laugh and laugh at your initial reservations.

You see, I'm convinced that CBeebies is an adults channel DISGUISED as a kids channel. It pretends to be for the kids, but really it's main purpose is to serve the parents. Don't believe me? Then look at the evidence! 

1. It reminds us what day of the week it is. Don't tell me that any child under 6 actually gives a shit about giving it up for Friday! Of course they don't! Adults on the other hand very much do like to give it up for Friday. We also rely on these little weekday melodies. It helps us remember to attend appointments, take our little cherubs to school. 

 It helps us live life.           

2. We're not only reminded of the day but we're also given little prompts throughout those days! And what makes it better is that all this is mainly done through the medium of song! Andy gives us a nudge at lunch time by asking us what's on our plate, and the CBeebies bedtime hour lets us know that soon it will be time to boot the little blighters in to bed. Brilliant!! 

3. When 'Bedtime hour' finally does arrive, CBeebies ensures that a celebrity is kindly waiting to read our child a bedtime story, so that we can rest our vocal chords and gaze upon our children adoringly whilst sipping Gin. 

4. Sometimes Tom Hardy reads the bedtime story. On these occasions we can gaze upon him adoringly instead, whilst we tell our children to "Shhhhh! The sodding bedtime story is on! With Tom Hardy!"

5. Slightly off topic, but whilst we're on the CBeebies subject I may as well ask. What the fuck is Flop actually meant to be? 

6. Mr Bloom (Hubba Hubba!) I'm not sure what his accent is and my tiddlers can take him or leave him (further evidence that CBeebies isn't for kids), but he can introduce me to his veggies any day of the week. 

7. Did I mention Tom Hardy?

8. What about Andy? Would we give him a bash?

And Mr Tumb..... 

Ok too far.

9. Although Pat Clifton AKA Postman Pat gets right on my tits, he does actually represent a realistic picture of the utter incompetence of some people within (let's call it) the mail service. He also simultaneously provides a handy scape goat for when you order your kids birthday presents too late. 

"That bloody Postman Pat! He's obviously gone off to save some gerbil and forgotten to deliver your bloody present!"

10. Finally, how could we forget Chris and Pui with their fluttering kites. Possibly the best (babysitters) presenters of all time! Whenever these two are on you know you're safe to eat chocolate and crisps behind the fridge door as the kids sit mesmerised watching everyone show their 'groovy moves'

GOD BLESS CBEEBIES!