1) I have never wiped food off your face with my hand and then eaten it myself to avoid having to get up off the couch
2) I have never taken photos of you throwing a tantrum for my own personal amusement
3) I have never cried & had flashbacks because you projectile vomited after you choked on some calpol and I thought I'd nearly killed you.
4) I have never rushed you to the GP at 3 weeks old convinced you had meningitis, only to be told it was dry skin
5) I have never felt so guilty after your vaccinations that I bought you a £10 Mickey Mouse birthday cake when it most definitely was not your birthday, just to lessen the guilt
6) I have never told you that my job is a dinosaur hunter in an attempt to pry you off my leg when I have to go to work, and also to make you think I'm awesome!
7) I have never put my hand on your chest at 3am just to check you're breathing and accidentally woke you up
8) I have never made pretend phone calls to Santa when you are misbehaving in a desperate attempt to make you stop
9) I have never hoovered you after you've covered yourself in food at dinner time
10) I have definitely never, ever, done any of these things.