Tuesday, 30 June 2015



You are intolerable, you do not listen, you are never quiet, you have a bad temper, you ignore things you don't want to hear, you are irrational, you never sit still, you can be extremely rude, you need attention all the time, you don't like going to bed, you don't like eating anything but sweets, you are demanding, you invade my space, you make other mums look at me funny, you're stubborn, you're hyperactive, you're too happy in the morning, you're unpredictable.....and much more


You look like an angel when you're asleep, you tell me you "very very" love me, you're forgiving, you're funny, you're cuddly, your adventurous, you're imaginative, you're creative, you smell nice, you're my best friend, you give the best hugs, you're easy to please, you're unique, you're one of a kind, you're a character, you're strong, you're loving, you're full of energy, you're non judgmental, you're silly, you're a bit crazy, I miss you as soon as you're not with me, you're smile melts my heart, you love to sing, you love to dance, you love to just be you, you love to just be with me, you're mine. I love you....

So who cares about the not so great stuff? You're bloody amazing.

Sunday, 28 June 2015

I am the kid who.....

I am Oliver. I am 3, and I am the kid who:

1) Struggles to pronounce every day words, unless I overhear something rude or inappropriate, in which case I will repeat it clearly in the Queens English. 
2) Doesn't like vegetables. If you hide it in my food I WILL find it....and I will kill it.
3) Likes Dinosaurs...until you take me to a Dinosaur Safari..and then I definitely DONT like Dinosaurs.
4) Never eats. Until I'm told it's bedtime, and then I become "very very hungry"
5) Likes to play musical beds. This is where I change the bed I'm sleeping in several times throughout the night
6) Sleep walks
7) Rarely does anything that I'm asked to
8) Does not like wearing anything on my bottom half
9) Detests having my hair washed because "I do not like big water on my hair"
10) Enjoys going to the Doctors
11) Enjoys wrestling with people
12) Simply can't understand that home made ice lollies need time to actually freeze
13) Loves Buzz Lightyear. He's my hero. Unless I queue up for 45 minutes to meet him in Disneyland & then I get to the front. Then I DO NOT like Buzz Lightyear
14) Thinks it's my right to have a Kinder Egg Surprise EVERY time I visit a shop, go to nursery, or leave the house full stop
15) Thinks I can wipe my own bottom. This involves unrolling all the toilet paper and shoving it down the toilet, without it actually touching my bottom
16) Does not like to share
17) Likes to watch episodes of Peppa Pig in different languages
18) Doesn't like being read to, but loves people making stories up on the spot, whilst I direct them through the storyline
19) Says the word "Mummy" at least 1,000000 times a day
20) Likes to ask "why?".....a lot.

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Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Dad Wars

I've spoken briefly in my posts about "Mummy Competition" and how some mums are made to feel inferior when others appear to have parenting so sussed out. Up until recently I thought it was only Mums who experienced these feelings, but last week I met a Dad who accidentally exposed a well kept secret to me - The Daddy Wars. 
This Dad in particular (I'm going to call him Drunk Dad) had consumed more than a few alcoholic beverages prior to our conversation, and in doing so exposed Dads everywhere!
You think Mummy competition is bad? 
You know nothing! 
After hearing this guys drunken ramblings you'll realise that being in competition with other mums is a walk in the park compared to Daddy Wars. 
You see, Mummy competition solely surrounds your role and abilities as a mother - their child sleeps through the night, yours doesn't; their child walked at 10 months, yours still isn't crawling. That kind of thing. But Daddy Wars  run much deeper. They surround a males entire existence, they completely threaten a mans masculinity, and they evoke some animal instinct that you would think our species had long evolved from.
Drunk Dads story began with a birthday party his daughter had been invited to in which he had to take her. It was a swim party, and the birthday girls Dad was a Gym Instructor (let's call him Gym Dad). For approximately an hour I sat and listened to how Gym Dad had "purposely" stood in the pool posing with his "buff body" whilst Drunk Dad was forced to expose his white flubbery belly, and slide down water slides with his 5 year old daughter, under his beady, watchful eye. He ranted how the guy didn't even say hello to him but just stood in the pool, flexing his muscles and "judging" him, thinking he was "better than him". When his wife politely interrupted our conversation and pointed out that Gym Dad didn't actually know him and therefore probably wasn't being rude by not acknowledging him he became even more irritated, especially when she stated that he had actually spoken to her on the occasions they had met. I think his response went something along the lines of, "Oh so he speaks to you does he? You're good enough to speak to are you? Hmmmmm!" 
The ranting continued, and slowly became more aggressive with phrases such as 'wait until MY daughter has a party & he gets on MY turf," and 'who does he think he is hosting a swim party', finally concluding with the biggest threat going....that he was going to show him who was boss in "the Dad's race" at sports day. 
As I related this conversation to a friend a few days later she further enlightened me about the seriousness of Dad Wars, in particular the aforementioned Sports Day. According to her, she knew of a Dad who had entered the Dads Race with vengeance in mind for a fellow Dad. He raced so vigorously in order to prove his masculinity that he fell and broke his collar bone, concluding in him being carted away from sports day by the paramedics. Imagine the embarrassment. 
So, it appears all this time that I've been beating myself up over the trivialities of motherhood and how my identity as a mother is being challenged, there has been a dad somewhere in the world who is having his entire identity as a male threatened.
Why is this?
I may sometimes be a little peeved that a fellow mother has managed to raise a child that eats all their veg, where as I have to juice orange and carrots and freeze them in to ice lollies in order to deceive my child in to eating a scrap of goodness; but never once have I felt that other areas of my identity are being judged. And if I did, I don't think I'd be fussed at having some sort of modern day, weird dual in the form of an egg and spoon race! 
Is this just the difference between men and women, mums and dads? 
I'm curious about Dad Wars. I'm further intrigued by the fact that those who have divulged their secrets have all been Fathers to girls. But most of all I am SO RELIEVED! Relieved to know that men are just as crazy as women, if not more! So be reassured ladies. When you are sat worrying at night because some sanctimummy has belittled your parenting skills, your partner is quite possibly brooding over a fellow Father....and planning their revenge at the next sports day! 

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Saturday, 13 June 2015

Disneyland!!....(Too Scary!)

Disneyland. A place where dreams come true. A place where you can live within the magic. A place where you can walk amongst some of your favourite Disney characters. A place that turns your children in to over excited, hyperactive, irrational, bossy, beasts. 
On our first day of Disney we got up early and went down for breakfast with the intention of filling our belly's to avoid having to fork out thousands of euros for snacks at the park. Oliver wouldn't eat a thing. He was too excited. He was jumping from one end of the table to the other.  The most I managed to get down him was some icing from the top of an iced bun and half a sip of milk. 
After passing rows and rows of Disney shops within the Disney Village and having my ears abused by consistent whinging and whining of "I want this..pleaasssseee" and "look at thiiiiiiisssss" we entered the Disneyland park. 
As we walked in we saw a queue of children waiting to meet Pluto and decided to join the line. We stood there for 20 minutes until we saw Goofy on the other side with a much shorter queue and moved over to that line instead (Goofy is way cooler than Pluto!) After standing there in the baking sun for what seemed like an eternity, including waiting for Goofy to "go for a drink" and come back again (I'm presuming the guys shift was over and there was a new Goofy waiting in the wings to take his place as this new one appeared slightly taller!), we finally got to the front of the queue.  As we walked forward to an open armed Goofy waiting to embrace us and have a photo taken I turned round to Oliver to usher him forward and was met with a face of dread. "Come on Oliver, say hello to Goofy!"
"I no like Goofy. He's too scary"
So there I stood at the front of a queue that we had been in for almost an hour, with a child who had suddenly decided that he was afraid of one of his favourite Disney characters. I had no choice but to stand there awkwardly, on my own and pose for photos with a guy dressed in a Goofy outfit. Great! 
After this unfortunate incident we decided to go on a ride to get us out of the sun. We saw the Pinocchio ride and parked the pram ready to join the queue. Of course the queue was in a dark room and Oliver decided that the Pinocchio ride was far "too scary" to go on. 
We managed to get him on the Buzz Lightyear lazer blast, which he cried on and then asked to go on again, much to our disbelief. Which we did, and this time he just covered his eyes throughout the whole ride. We also went on the Alice in Wonderland ride which was pretty cool, until we had been subjected to going on it for the fourth time. 

After tea we went to see the Frozen show. We sat ourselves down and got ready for a cheesy sing a long with Anna, Elsa and Olaf. 10 seconds in to the show Oliver decided that it was "too scary" and began to cry, forcing us to leave. I wasn't blind to the looks of sheer puzzlement and mumbles of "really?" because our child had to be escorted out for being too scared of the least threatening Disney show ever. And let's bare in mind that one of Oliver's favourite films is "The Nightmare Before Christmas"
On the second day we ventured in to the Walt Disney Studios, after Oliver had consumed a massive breakfast of 3 grapes. He immediately spotted the Monsters Inc Scare floor and began acting out different scenes from Monsters Inc whilst bossing his Dad and I about as to where we should stand and what we should say. I think he would have been perfectly happy to stay there all day, and there was much tears and tantrums when we finally dragged him away from it. 
Our intention that morning was to meet Buzz Lightyear who is Oliver's favourite Disney character. However, when we got there the queue was ridiculously long and I was having flashbacks from the Goofy incident. I could envision us queuing for infinity & beyond (see what I did there?) for me to be left alone at the front of the queue  stood with Buzz Lightyear, and being forced to pose. So we figured a way round it. We went round the side of the queue and stood at the exit where children who were meeting him could leave. Here we had a perfect view of Buzz. After he had posed with a child we shouted "BUZZ!!!" Like a bunch of groupies, until he turned round and waved at us. We then snapped a photo and Oliver was ecstatic at the fact that his favourite space ranger had waved at him from a safe distance! We then did this with all the characters we happened to stumble across along our way. "Pluto! Minnie! Tweedle Dee!" We shouted, they turned, we waved and snapped their photo.
That day we also went to see the "Disney Parade". Now this was AMAZING! Oliver was literally shaking with excitement as all the characters came parading past him. There wasn't a "too scary" to be heard, and the experience was made even more fantastic by a giant Mickey Mouse Lollipop that we'd purchased beforehand!
At night we ate in the Rainforest Cafe. The whole restaurant was set out like a jungle with monkeys swinging above our heads, giant lizards on the walls next to us, giraffes, giant butterfly's and elephants. It was like you were actually sat having a meal in the middle of the rainforest. Everything was going swimmingly....until there was a thunderstorm. Ok, it was a fake one, but it was pretty scary and a bit of a shock when you're tucking in to your steak and it suddenly starts thundering and lightning. The elephant that Oliver had been so taken with came alive. His ears started waving up and down, he became very vocal and his trunk was going everywhere. Suddenly the funny elephant that was stood behind us was now the deadly, evil elephant that was about to rip our heads off. Or so it seemed to Oliver. He insisted on sitting on my knee for the rest of the meal with one eye on his food and the other on the elephant who had now calmed down. Every so often, the thunder storm would happen again. It was like eating a meal in the middle of a scene similar to that of Mary Poppins when the cannons go off and all the house shakes! The steak was pretty good though! The beer was even better.
The last day we decided to go toy & souvenir shopping. We had seen most of the attractions and had finally given in to Oliver's demands for every toy from every Disney Movie that was ever made. He had an Eyeore, a Bullseye from Toy Story, a Buzz Lightyear lazer gun, a Toy Story figure set and a Buzz Lightyear cup, which to be quite frank, I'm rather jealous of. We also picked up a few birthday presents for him when his back was turned. I got a Nightmare Before Christmas keyring and a fridge magnet. Daddy got a Tshirt and a Star Wars Keyring.  
We ventured in to Adventure Island where there is a huge Pirate Ship from The Pirates of The Caribbean.   Under the ship was a play area where kids could climb ropes, walk across planks, and slide down tunnels. Oliver decided to climb up a rope ladder and get stuck. I had no option but to climb up and get him. It may be worth mentioning that I was wearing a dress. And I'm terrified of heights. I climbed up the rope ladder with my knickers on show, and a man stood underneath me, because I'm really classy & not an embarrassing mum at all! I managed to claw my way to the top and grab hold of Oliver. With beads of sweat dripping in to my eyes we walked along a plank that seemed to be about a million metres up in the sky! Much to my horror kids were walking across it in the opposite direction ! They were walking right towards us! There was not enough room and I began manically screaming at them to "Back up! For the love of God Back up!!" When we got to the other side we realised it was actually US that had been walking the wrong way across the plank. I realised this when we were stood on a wooden ledge with nothing but a deadly drop below us. There were footholds in the wall of the deadly drop to which you were supposed to climb up. There was no way I was facing that plank again so I decided to climb down it with Oliver hanging round my neck for dear life. We'd come this far, there was pretty much nothing we couldn't face now!  Needless to say we survived. But I think some people may have been scarred for life at the image of my massive white arse hovering in front of their eyes. 
After the trauma of the pirate seas we decided that we should go and meet Mickey Mouse in his dressing room, considering he is the star of Disney! 
We queued up for around 30 minutes and were then invited through to the backstage of the theatre where Mickey was waiting for us in his dressing room. And right on queue came those words "I no like Mickey! Mickey is scary!" However this time I insisted he stand with me and have a picture taken. Which he did, but with much reluctance! We should have stuck with the shout, wave and snap system! 
On the last night I let Oliver and his Daddy go back to our hotel room whilst I stayed to watch the Disney Dreams Light Show. Oliver was tired and said he didn't want to watch it. I wish I'd made him stay. It was the best thing about the whole trip. The show was spectacular and took you on a visual and musical trip through all the Disney movies, hosted by Peter Pans shadow climbing around the castle. If you go to Disney you MUST go & see this. I did video it so Oliver could see what he'd missed out on but in fairness it didn't start until 11pm and after 3 days in Disneyland it's a bit late for a 3 year old to stay up and appreciate just how wonderful it is. 
So there you have it! Our Disney holiday! And despite the unfortunate events of certain things being "too scary", there was far more things that were just plain AWESOME!! I still have a very excited 3 year old from our trip and the quality family time was fabulous in itself. Top holiday!!! 

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Tuesday, 2 June 2015

I'm Not Being Rude

I'm not being rude when I can't answer the phone or speak for longer than 2 minutes. I have a three year old. He is currently running rings round me and is in the biscuit tin for the 5th time this morning

Im not being rude when I answer the door to you in a onesie and unwashed hair. I have a three year old. It's taken me all morning to get him to have breakfast & get dressed before I can even contemplate sorting myself out....
And I forgot you were coming.

I'm not being rude when I can't keep track of your conversation & ask you to repeat yourself several times. I have a 3 year  old. I'm trying to potty train him through the night & have been up several times checking on him & changing bed sheets

I'm not being rude when I ask you to "hold that thought" mid conversation & leave the room for 5 minutes. I have a 3 year old. He has disappeared from my sight and I've just heard a gigantic bang

I'm not being rude when I cancel our arrangements to go for lunch. I have a three year old.  I can't take him to the types of places we used to go together before he came along. He's loud, impatient, bad tempered and hyperactive. We would only embarrass you

I'm not being rude when I bore you with stories of Breastfeeding, nappies, weaning and tantrums. I have a 3 year old. He is my life.

I'm not being rude when I interrupt our conversations and talk to my son instead. He is a three old. I am his life.

I'm not being rude. We have drifted apart. We have different interests now. I'm not the person I used to be. I may be back one day but not right now. I have a 3 year old. We are each others life.