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Tuesday, 7 July 2015

The Shallow Breastfeeder

I breastfed my son until he was 2 years old and I've always been extremely passionate about the choices I made regarding how I fed him. Most people know the exceptional health benefits of Breastfeeding for both Mother and Child, and of course my decision to Breastfeed was based upon these benefits. However, as I became familiar with Breastfeeding I stumbled across some other (rather shallow) benefits too, and I'm pretty sure that if they included some of the following points in pro Breastfeeding campaigns they could gain a few more followers!

*Please note: this post is written only for those with a sense of humour*


1) YOU CAN BE LAZY THROUGH THE NIGHT

I could seriously not think of ANYTHING worse than having to get up in the middle of the night & stumble around sterilising bottles & preparing feeds. I think I would actually do myself an injury. It's hard enough having to peel your eyes open every 2-3 hours when your baby demands your attention, without having to concentrate on actually walking around and preparing things! Hats off to all women who manage to do it, but I'm simply not cut out for that shit! I prefer reaching for my baby, latching them on, quick nappy change......then putting them back again. Plus, breast milk contains a sleep inducing hormone which is pretty much guaranteed to zonk them back out again! 

2) YOU CAN BE LAZY THROUGH THE DAY

As you're the only one who can feed your child this is a great excuse to avoid any "jobs" that need doing round the house, and allows you to delegate them to somebody else. You can sit down with your feet up, enjoy time with your baby, OR use your time to chat on the phone, browse through social media/ a magazine, and simply relax. 

3) YOU CAN EAT MORE

Breastfeeding can burn around 500 calories. Great news! You can eat that Black Forest gateaux that you've been eyeing up in the fridge all day without a smidgen of guilt! And babies are really forgiving so if you choose to eat it whilst you're feeding and flicking through a magazine, they probably won't mind too much if you drop a few crumbs on their head

4) NO PERIODS

No cramps, no moodiness, no other horrific period symptoms. 
Need I go on?

5) KATIE HOPKINS

This woman makes my teeth itch and has been quite public about her distaste for the "breast feeding militia" and public breast feeding. To be quite frank, when it comes to winding Katie Hopkins up, I want a slice of the action. 

6) ITS FREE!!

No purchase of breast milk is needed, which frees your money up for cake....I mean, other essential items (cake).
Not only is it free BUT you can't run out! And that means you can stay in your pyjamas all day if you choose to do so, without having to worry about popping to the shop because you're running low! 

7) YOU CAN'T FORGET IT!

The chances of walking out of the house without your boobs are slim to none. Breasts are also handily attached to your chest, which means you don't need to stuff items down in your bag in order to desperately make some room to fit them in. I can't guarantee you won't forget other essential items, but it's handy to know your trusty jugs will always be available. 

8) THEY FIX EVERYTHING

Nine times out of ten your boobs will be able to hush a crying baby, no matter what the issue is. They may not even be hungry, but you can be pretty sure that by shoving your breasts in their face they'll soon forget whatever they got aggro about in the first place! This requires zilch thinking and keep everyone happy/sane

9) MASSIVE RACK

I know you were all thinking it. I said it. Breasts that are full of milk are huge...and firm!! This is obviously an extremely shallow reason to Breastfeed (then again aren't all the other reasons I've mentioned so far?), but ITS TRUE!! and therefore it's as good a reason as any. Ask any man.

10) YOU CAN USE IT AS AN EXCUSE FOR ALMOST ANYTHING

late? Oh sorry I was just about to leave the house & then the baby needed feeding.
Invited somewhere you don't want to go? Oh I'd love to, but I simply can't leave the baby...I'm Breastfeeding.
You get the drift!

Now i'm not saying that any of these reasons should influence your decision about whether you Breastfeed or not. And there are far more sensible, scientific benefits to Breastfeeding than those mentioned above. But you've got to admit, they make for a great added bonus!...right?



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12 comments:

  1. Brilliant- and all so true!! #TwinklyTuesday

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  2. hahaha I only managed to breast feed for 24 hours your post makes me wish I'd pushed through brilliant and honest the NHS should be paying you to promote to mums lol!!

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    1. Ha! Thanks Zoe! I am actually a voluntary Breastfeeding Support Worker and do find an element of comedy tends to help, as it does with everything in life!

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  3. Haha love this!! Great to read a light hearted post on breastfeeding, there are so many heavy ones around so I really enjoyed this!!! #twinklytuesday

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  4. i like the humorous approach! All true though :) #TheList

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  5. MASSIVE RACK = yes. Haha #wineandboobs thanks for linking!

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  6. I tried to share this on the tweeter but couldn't find you. Are you still: @louiserodgers24 ?

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  7. Loved this! Made me laugh! Thank you for linking on #wineandboobs

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  8. You forgot my favourite one. The baby (or in my case, twin babies) suck all that pregnancy weight right off! I weighed 112 lbs before pregnancy. I weighed 108 lbs when my babes were done with my boobs. (And the enormous top half remained. Bonus!)

    Thanks for linking with #TwinklyTuesday.

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  9. #5 to #8 especially cracked me up :-). I find that the sleep hormones don't seem to be as effective as they used to be with my 17 months old :-(. Even then, we still feed to sleep; it just takes longer.

    Nice humorous way of looking at it. Thanks so much for linking with #BreastfeedingandI

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