Tuesday, 29 September 2015

Down With The School Shiz

When Oliver started Reception 4 weeks ago, I was a completely oblivious to the whole school shenanigans. How will I know when he's got P.E? What will he eat for dinner? What happens if he needs the toilet? To name a few questions that spun round my mind!
But I think I'm getting the hang of this school malarkey now! So much so that I'm considering changing my name from 'The Puzzled Mummy' to 'Down With The School Shiz Mummy'
It has a certain ring to it, no?
I mean, look at what I've learned in these first four weeks!

1) They have P.E on a Monday. I know this because every Monday I have to hide with Oliver behind a car in the car park, take his pants off & put them back on again the right way round. This didn't go down too well last Monday as we were stooped behind a car and fully immersed in mission "put yer kecks on right" when said car drove off and left us stood there being watched with a few raised eyebrows.

2) Nothing happens at school. According to Oliver they do 'nothing.' They eat 'nothing' for dinner, they learn 'nothing' and they spend the entire day doing 'nothing'
So I had 'nothing' to worry about after all!

3) All bags, including PE kits and bags with bits and bobs in should remain at school. Unless you're Oliver of course and then you will have to cart 3 bags backwards and forwards each day, regardless of the rules, because in Oliver's words "they're mine"

4) You have to be wary of things you do and say to your child as otherwise they will tell the teacher on you. 
I was given a dressing down the other day because Oliver had 'grassed' on me for throwing his half eaten apple to the squirrels on the way to school. He had actually dropped it on the floor which is the reason I threw it, but apparently this was unacceptable behaviour.

5) You can write cutesy little notes to the teacher in a funky little diary that your child brings home! If you're lucky, they write one back, and if you're extra special you even get a smiley face alongside the note! It's almost like having a pen pal! I make an extreme effort not to write one every day though because, you know, I don't want to ruin my street cred.

6) Despite the fact that they do absolutely nothing at school all day, you will send your child in to school looking as neat as a pin, but they will still come out looking like they've been dragged through several hedges. Yesterday Oliver came home with wet sleeves, paint in his hair and dog shit on his coat (don't ask.) That's a heap load of nothing he's been doing right there! 

7) Like some sort of Super Heroes teachers have the power to recognise, even on the first school day, exactly who you are and which child belongs to you when you pick them up at hometime. So there really was no need to write in Oliver's diary last week that I'd had my hair cut and was now sporting a graduated bob, along with a new cream jumper I'd bought on sale for £14.99...just in case they didn't recognise me.

8) The kids eat absolutely nothing at school. At all. So it's vital that you pick your child up with sweets in your pocket in order to ensure they don't faint from low blood sugars.

That's 8 things & the list is still growing! I'm doing really well aren't i? 

Friday Frolics


  1. Love this. You just described my girls day, minus the dog pooh. That will be my son in two years time I'm sure. So glad I am not the only confused Mum at school😊 x x

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  3. I have now deleted MY comment by mistake .. seriously what is wrong with me? This really made me laugh, especially the over-share in the diary. Hilarious!

  4. Brilliant post! Really made me laugh :) I've got two nephews, one always comes out of school exactly as he went in and the other one comes out covered in grass, paint, mud, glue and anything else messy, cost half on, shoes undone! Makes me wonder what he gets up to! :)

  5. Love this! I'm a few years away from this myself but I'm already nervous!


  6. I love this. The big one has just started year one and still goes through the hedge backwards thing. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  7. I love this. The big one has just started year one and still goes through the hedge backwards thing. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics