Each time I open a new post I hope to see some sign that another mum is actually having a pretty hard time, but instead I've been greeted with phrases such as "he skipped in through the gate and didn't look back" and "I've made friends with most of the mums in the school yard, and we've even arranged a day to meet for coffee when the children are at school"
As you probably know, I'm an honest blogger. I try and reach out to mums who are actually having a pretty shitty time, and need someone to say "hey! I'm having a crappy time too! Let's make sarcastic jokes about it and cheer ourselves up!"
So here is my experience of the first week of school.
Every solitary day that I have dropped my son off, he has cried (except Friday - understandable). And I don't mean he has whimpered in a cute, adorable fashion. I mean he has screamed, kicked and wailed, in a "someone is about to murder me" fashion.
Every drop off has resulted in me throwing him at the Teaching Assistant, whilst simultaneously trying to pry his chubby little hands from my hair, skin, eyelids, or whatever other piece of my being he is clinging on to.
I have then had to speed walk to the door, dodging all the well behaved children who are sat maturely, waiting for their toast.
It takes me every ounce of effort not to sprint at 100 miles an hour, screaming "get me out of here!"
It takes even more effort for me not to open a bottle of whiskey at 9am.
I haven't had chance to make friends with fellow parents, as I spend the entire time silently whispering mantras to myself to keep cool, don't make eye contact with anyone, don't let anybody see I'm bothered.
My defence mechanism after the whole saga is to laugh and joke about it, in a deranged attempt to convince myself that every mum must go through this. I'm not on my own.
But I am on my own.
Why is this only happening to me?
And if it isn't just me, then why is nobody else talking about it?
Somebody talk about it! Please.
I can take the fact that on his first day he had a toilet accident. I can take the fact that this morning we had to stop for a wee in the woods (a ploy by Oliver to stall the inevitable school drop off), I can take the fact that he's a summer baby and is a little less developed than some of the other kids, and I can take the fact that other people are looking at me and my son as we are peeled away from each other inside the classroom.
I'm used to it all. Oliver has never been easy. You only have to read through my past posts to realise this.
What I can't take is the feeling of utter isolation. Nobody is speaking up. Nobody is saying "oh my child does that too! Thank god I'm not the only one!"
So I guess it's up to me to speak up.
My first week of school has been hell. I'm close to developing a twitch.
There must be someone else out there.