Quick! Shhhh! Over here! I don't have much time. I need to tell you my story before I lose my sanity completely and the monster I am plagued with is free to roam, without an utter word of warning to my fellow man.
Listen. And listen good.
There are plenty of phases through a child's life that fellow parents prepare you for when you have a baby.
When they begin to crawl/walk you hear expressions such as "oooh they'll be in to everything now! You'll have to have eyes in the back of your head!"
You'll hear horror stories of the terrible twos, the tyrannical threes, and the fearsome fours. And you'll be warned of irrational tantrums and 'meltdowns'
One phase that slips the net however, in terms of fellow parents warnings, is the phase of 'The Whine'
Let me tell you something now. Sleepless nights, teething, potty training, tantrums and irrationality are NOTHING compared to 'The Whine'
'The Whine' is the equivalent of nails being scraped down a chalkboard. It could actually be used as a form of torture. It would be sure to get better results than any other technique used.
When your child masters 'The Whine' you can pretty much guarantee your teeth will be itching from the minute they wake, until they fall asleep at night.
There are no warning signs of 'The Whine's' appearance. It can appear at any second, and can last between 12 seconds or 12 hours.
It can come in any shape or form. It may appear as a simple request for something,
"Mummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyah I waaaaaaaannnnnntttt a driiiinnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkah'
Or it may appear as a complaint,
"I wannnnnnteeedddd that toyyyyyyyyyyyah and heeeee tooook ittttttttttah'
It involves speaking in a high pitched voice and dragging out every word for about five seconds, ending with an 'aah' sound.
I can't tell you where 'The Whine' comes from (although I do suspect Caillou and Peppa Pig are partially responsible) and I can't tell you why it appears suddenly, turning your child in to one of the most irritating creatures to have ever existed.
All I can tell you is that it exists. And you should be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
It lurks. It watches. It waits.
Then it pounces, and sucks every last drop from your soul.
You can run. You can bury yourself under 1000 Supernanny books. But the truth is, 'The Whine' will find you. You can't escape.
I've been living with 'The Whine' for 2 months now. I can't remember life before it started. I'm unsure when it will end, or if it ever will. But I have to have hope. Hope that life will be good again.