Sunday, 6 September 2015

'The Whine' Apocolypse

Quick! Shhhh! Over here! I don't have much time. I need to tell you my story before I lose my sanity completely and the monster I am plagued with is free to roam, without an utter word of warning to my fellow man. 
Listen. And listen good.
There are plenty of phases through a child's life that fellow parents prepare you for when you have a baby.
When they begin to crawl/walk you hear expressions such as "oooh they'll be in to everything now! You'll have to have eyes in the back of your head!"
You'll hear horror stories of the terrible twos, the tyrannical threes, and the fearsome fours. And you'll be warned of irrational tantrums and 'meltdowns'
One phase that slips the net however, in terms of fellow parents warnings, is the phase of 'The Whine'
Let me tell you something now. Sleepless nights, teething, potty training, tantrums and irrationality are NOTHING compared to 'The Whine'
'The Whine' is the equivalent of nails being scraped down a chalkboard. It could actually be used as a form of torture. It would be sure to get better results than any other technique used.
When your child masters 'The Whine' you can pretty much guarantee your teeth will be itching from the minute they wake, until they fall asleep at night.
There are no warning signs of 'The Whine's' appearance. It can appear at any second, and can last between 12 seconds or 12 hours. 
It can come in any shape or form. It may appear as a simple request for something,
"Mummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyah I waaaaaaaannnnnntttt a driiiinnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkkah'
Or it may appear as a complaint,
"I wannnnnnteeedddd that toyyyyyyyyyyyah and heeeee tooook ittttttttttah'
It involves speaking in a high pitched voice and dragging out every word for about five seconds, ending with an 'aah' sound.
I can't tell you where 'The Whine' comes from (although I do suspect Caillou and Peppa Pig are partially responsible) and I can't tell you why it appears suddenly, turning your child in to one of the most irritating creatures to have ever existed. 
All I can tell you is that it exists. And you should be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
It lurks. It watches. It waits.
Then it pounces, and sucks every last drop from your soul. 
You can run. You can bury yourself under 1000 Supernanny books. But the truth is, 'The Whine' will find you. You can't escape. 
I've been living with 'The Whine' for 2 months now. I can't remember life before it started. I'm unsure when it will end, or if it ever will. But I have to have hope. Hope that life will be good again.

Good Luck

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Friday Frolics


  1. Brilliant. I really loved this post (though you've freaked me out about the whinge!)

  2. Hilarious. Mine are 2 and 4, the 2 year old cant be bothered to speak so we are whine free. Sadly the 4 year old is a practiced whiner. I would say semi-professional. She practices at length each day and she even makes strange whining noises in her sleep (as does my husband). when does it end? I did the drink snorting laugh reading this. #twinklytuesday

  3. I love this post! So funny. I think your photo sums it up nicely. I hate the whine too, and sometimes, with twins, I have it in Sterio Ahhhhh! Sometimes I tell them its a 'no whining day' which occasionally works (but not always)!

  4. Great post & totally encapsulates whining!

  5. There is only one treatment for 'the whine.' And that is 'the wine'. From your fridge. Try it. See if it helps. Bet it will (ah).

  6. Haha, love it. My little one is 14 months and he whines using just gobbledygook! Can't wait for when he's actually using words....NOT.

    Laura x

  7. Ha - this is a #brilliantblogpost indeedy! I completely agree. I would get up to a poor sleeper every night for the rest of my life if it meant never hearing a whine again!!

  8. My son is 5 ....we STILL have the whine. However all hope is not 5 they are so much more independant that you CAN go off and hide. And they understand bribery more too. It drives me bonkers tho. Welcome to the Whine Club! #brilliantblogposts

  9. What a very funny post! Between me and you it's already stated in this household and I'm only 2. It's usually Mum.....meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Hehe Niw all we need is tips to ignore it! #TwinklyTuesday #BrilliantBlogPosts x

  10. Hahaha, this gave me a good laugh! I am yet to experience The Whine in 'word format' but my 2 year old excels at whinging. I just can't wait for this next stage...yay. Ray xx

  11. Amen! I have two of them and OH MY GOOD GOD. That is all.

  12. The whine is the worst. I have zero tolerance for it. There's only room for one kind of whine in my life and it's free of that little h. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics