Saturday, 16 January 2016

Invasion Of The Bed Hoppers

If you have a bed hopper you'll be familiar with some of their techniques. You'll be wise to their tactics. And you'll be no stranger to hanging out of your king sized bed whilst your child starfishes with a foot on your face and an elbow in your crotch. 
Bed hoppers come in all forms, shapes and sizes. But the one key thing they have in common is you will never escape their clutches in the midst of a dark night. 

Your bed is my bed hopper

This species is convinced that your bed is actually theirs. Therefore it will be standard behaviour for them to get in your bed from the offset and refuse to acknowledge that their own bed exists in the next room.
You can transfer them to their own bed once they're sleeping soundly, but a full inspection of your own sheets will be required before you retire yourself, to avoid lying on plastic teenage mutant ninja turtles or whatever other crappy toy they took to bed with them and is liable to poke you in your back.

Musical bed hopper

This breed can't quite decide which bed they'd like to invade. They'll begin in their own bed but will slowly work their way through each bed in the house as the night progresses, just to ensure that everyone in the household has a disturbed nights sleep. You may even participate in the game yourself if your bed is invaded and you're feeling squashed. If you have multiple musical bed hoppers you're pretty much going to have to get used to having around 2 hours sleep per night. 
Yeah. Life sucks. 

I had a nightmare, can I get in your bed hopper

You can recognise this type of bed hopper by the sound of your bedroom door creaking at 2am. You'll look up from behind your duvet to find two wide eyes peering from the end of your bed followed by "I had a bad dream, can I get in your bed?"
There's variation to this technique. They may have had a bad dream, seen a monster, feel poorly or heard a strange noise. Either way, that kids getting in your bed.

Houdini bed hopper

The Houdini bed hopper is the craftiest of them all. These wise asses will creep in to your room in the middle of the night like a trained assassin. You will not know of their presence until you wake up at 5am and realise there's a human body next to you/ on top of you/ suffocating you. If you have the energy to transfer them back to their own territory you can rest assured that when you wake in the morning they will be right back where you moved them from, staring at you and asking you bizarre questions such as "mummy? Why do people have bones?"

You may be in the position where you have a rare bed hopper who exhibits all bed hopping techniques and practices. In that case you're screwed. I suggest changing your entire sleep pattern or becoming a vampire. It's probably the only solution. 


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