Yes yes, I can hear you all laughing and mocking me! I was kind of tricked in to it if I'm honest. But my days off work whilst Oliver is at school now involve me cleaning the house and then falling deeper and deeper in love with Dexter on Netflix as I lounge around on the sofa, heating on full wack, and eating cheese as I wait for the school run to commence at 3pm.
When you start to believe that you're in an actual relationship with a fictional sociopath it's time to get up off your arse and give your head a wobble.
That head wobbling came in the form of my friend who asked me to go and look round a gym with her but gave me strict instructions NOT to let her join.
Clearly I'm a terrible friend as we both emerged half an hour later with memberships, saving ourselves £2.50 each by taking the 'couples deal' which now technically means we're lesbians.
So my first gym experience went as follows:
The Semi Pro Diaries Of A Fitness Fanatic Extremely Healthy Mummy
Change in to brand new gym gear BEFORE the school run. It's important for other parents on the playground to know that I'm extremely healthy/fit & spend my days off working out at the gym and NOT lying on the couch eating cheese.
Root inside a cupboard for an oversized hoody. Nobody said gym gear was so snug! I Need something to hide this bulge that's protruding from my waistband. I'm going more for sleek/smooth hourglass figure mum, not pot bellied pig/drinks too much beer mum.
Set off for school run. Itching my boobs the whole time. Damned sports bra! Aren't they supposed to be comfy? Sports Direct well and truly saw me coming!
Push it to the back of your mind Louise. Think happy and healthy thoughts. You're a new woman now. Plus, Gym rhymes with
Ginn, so it can't all be bad.
Take an excruciatingly long time to get to the gym due to traffic & snow. Consider suggesting to my new lesbian lover (who we'll call LL) that we leave the gym for today & do 'snowy' things instead like drinking hot chocolate & marshmallows. Then courageously decide against it. Focus on the hydrotherapy pool.
Discuss with LL, who is driving how we now have the knowledge to NOT make an illegal u-turn to access the gym car park like we did the previous day when signing up. LL is adamant that she still believes you can make a U-turn if there's no sign telling you not to. This is debatable & not likely considering the amount of beeps we received.
Pass a Chinese restaurant that is supposed to be amazing. Suggest we skip the gym & go to the Chinese restaurant instead. Both laugh as though it were a joke. It wasn't.
Enter the gym as lesbian couple. Try and weigh myself. Fail to figure out how the scales work and then possibly, accidentally break them.
Watch LL's entire body, including teeth and lips, quiver as she attempts to lift weights that are too heavy.
Snigger immaturely at somebody punching and beating up thin air.
Finish work out & go to change in to swimsuits. Awkwardly get changed in front of several elderly ladies. Try and avoid looking at their bums. Try and avoid anyone looking at my bum.
Walk around poolside. Have a mild panic attack from a flash back of when I was aged 9, fell in to a pool fully clothed and not one person noticed. Horrifying.
After swim, steam & sauna (which to be honest is the real reason I joined) immediately jump on to social media and inform everyone that I am now a fit healthy mum who takes all exercise & health related things very very seriously.
Order Dominoes. I earned it
Wake up paralysed. Vow to never ever go to the gym again.