Friday, 19 February 2016

The Grandma Wars

As previously stated in The Semi Pro Diaries Of A Fitness Fanatic Mummy
I am now an extremely fit, healthy mummy who always chooses smoothies over Prosecco and Kale over chocolate. Well..sometimes. Ok never. I never do that. But I'm still incredibly healthy and fit which is obvious, because I go the gym at least once a week...well...never mind.
Now I'm becoming a dab hand at this gym malarkey my friend and I decided to give Aqua Aerobics a bash. 
It sounds fun! Right?
It wasn't the Aqua Aerobics that was an issue, you know, because I'm now so supple and flexible. The actual issue was the people participating alongside us. And when I say people, I mean women. Elderly women. And when I say elderly I mean 75 (and she was one of the youngest). 
Don't mistake me for being ageist. I'm not. In fact, I was quite delighted when I waded in to the pool and realised that my friend and I were the youngest. Nobody tutting because you can't keep up with them (not that I have a problem keeping up, now I'm so super healthy), no feeling insecure about ones wobbly bits, and it was probable that I wouldn't be the only one that accidentally did a small wee in the pool. 
I've always liked the elderly. They're sweet and friendly.
But it turns out they're only sweet and friendly as long as you're not intruding on THEIR Aqua Class. 
But we had intruded on their class. And we had obviously crossed the line. 
I'm not sure at which point it became clear that we were not welcome in the group. It could have been when the woman with the stiffest perm known to man paddled past us and said "oh! Strangers!"
It may have been when I was backed against the side of the pool for the twentieth time until my spine was almost crushed; or it was perhaps when Dale Winton, who happened to be hosting the class, kept shouting at us to lift our knees and then remarking on all the different ladies ages who were doing it sooooo much better than us.
"See Barbara there at the front? 85 she is! And she's running rings round you!"
Is she really? I'm very pleased for her. 
They were like a pack of wolves. And we were on their turf.
After the class my friend and I nipped in to the sauna, unaware that the Aqua predators were following. Clearly that was their territory too.
We'd just sat down and the door opened. In walked a 106 year old lady from the pack. 
She proceeded to strip off whilst glaring at us. 
Stood there naked she barked "did you book in to that class? The instructor isn't insured for over 25 people. You need to book in!"
"Yes, yes, we know. We did" (We SO didn't), we replied pleasantly. 
"You'll ache tomorrow!" she snapped, as she proceeded to towel dry her vagina whilst never breaking eye contact.
"I presume you work? What job do you do?" She said with a raised eyebrow. 
We explained our jobs as she continued to dry every crevice of her body.
She retaliated by saying that her sisters friends cousins daughter was actually a "big boss" in that area of work and gave us a look of distrust.
"Anyway! These Aqua classes run on Wednesdays and Fridays. There's one at 11:15 and 12:15 on a Friday. The 11:15 is always packed but the one after is quieter. You might want to go to that one in future."
She then waltzed out of the sauna with her bare behind on show. Clearly off to tell her friends how she had given us a dressing down and we wouldn't be causing them any problems again. 
As we exited the sauna we were subjected to shouts of "are you suffering after that class ladies?" And other such patronising remarks. 
Never have I mentally drop kicked so many people in the face in one sitting. And never that old. 
I thought the Mum Wars were bad. But clearly I was wrong. It's the Grandma's you need to be worried about. And wow betide anyone who steps on their turf! 

Life Love and Dirty Dishes