Second time around things are a little different. Maybe it's me? Maybe it's experienced by every woman after their first pregnancy? I don't know. But I've definitely noticed some vast differences in my behaviour this time around.
My first pregnancy scan was so exciting! I couldn't wait to see my little baby wriggling around in there! I kept the picture in a cutesy little frame (that I had free when I signed up to Pampers baby club) and put it in the centre of my window where I could see it every morning when I woke up. I would stare at the picture for hours and after uploading it to Facebook I used it as my profile picture.
For my current pregnancy scan I was excited, don't get me wrong, however I was more apprehensive that the sonographer was going to tell me I was having multiples!
There was no frame for the picture to go in and I've probably looked at it twice. At present I don't actually know where it is. Probably somewhere in my sons room as he somehow convinced that this is "his" baby.
For pregnancy number one I had a precise list of things I needed, after thoroughly researching relevant baby books. I stocked up on nappies and wipes when they were on sale. I had tiny outfits that I folded and unfolded time and time again and placed neatly in the drawers of a changing table. I had selected a pram and a cot, and the nursery was all set up. I would walk past the baby's future room and stand there looking around, imagining the time when my little bundle of joy finally arrived.
My current bundle of joy on the way has a cardboard box that's been slung in the corner of my dining room full of baby gro's and vests that I had for their big brother. I have no intentions of buying a pram or a cot until they're about 5 months old, and there's no nursery to set up as they will simply be residing in my bedroom.
I had everything going the first time round. I'd open them all up on my phone every morning to see what had grown today and what was developing this week. One app even posted to Facebook for me every week so all my friends had the glorious opportunity in joining me for the ride (I probably saw a noticeable decrease of Facebook friends over those months.)
This time I have one app. I haven't opened it in a good few days and the majority of the time that I do its to remind myself how far along I am with my pregnancy.
When I first started recognising these differences in behaviour between 1st and 2nd pregnancies I felt like an awful mum. I wondered what was different this time. And then it struck me. Everything is different!! Unlike in my first pregnancy I already am a mum! I have another mini human occupying my mind and time.
This baby isn't less loved, or less important than my first, but I just don't have as much free time to completely absorb myself in my pregnancy and everything it involves. Sometimes I forget I'm even pregnant at all!
My second child isn't less fortunate because they won't have the things their brother had. If anything they are more fortunate because mummy now knows that this baby really won't care if they're wearing hand me down baby gro's and don't have non essential baby items.
Instead of a mummy who prods them every half an hour to check they're breathing, and stares at them wondering how on earth they're going to keep them alive, this baby will have a Mummy who is more confident than what she was the first time around. They'll have a mummy that knows her capabilities and doesn't strive to be somebody she is not.
It isn't that I care less this time around, it's just that I'm now more aware. Aware of the things that are important and the things that are not. Aware that my baby is oblivious as to whether I'm staring at its scan picture, but my four year old isn't when he wants me to look at a certificate he's won at school.
Things are completely different with this pregnancy. But a change in behaviour doesn't mean a change in emotion and feelings. I still feel the same way about this child as I did my first. I'm just a different person. A different mum. And hopefully a better one.