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Sunday, 26 June 2016

Pramphobia

I have pramphobia. That's not its official name but I fear there may not be one as I'm probably the only mother who has this condition. I'm basically afraid of prams. They come in too many different shapes and forms. There's too many options! With Oliver I hardly used a one. I was terrified when his head jiggled as we went over a rough pathway and thought I was giving him brain damage, because I'm an absolute jerk. I was much happier with him strapped to me and I've hoped this will be the case for baby number 2. 
One thing is different now however. I have another child and we have a dreaded school run. 
I've recently found myself browsing at prams and wondering if life might actually be easier if I were to give one a chance. 
My stepsister suggested a Facebook group in which people swapped and sold prams and parts for cheap. 
How helpful, I naively thought! Other mothers like me who can give me some constructive advice.
But no. This group was NOT helpful. And these were NOT mothers like me. 
Out of interest, have you ever met one of these pram fanatics? It appears my step sister is one, however this has always gone unrecognised by me and therefore this must mean they disguise themselves well. The only clue she ever gave me was when we went on holiday and I couldn't put my pushchair down to enter the plane. She took it off me and smoothly slid it down without an issue. I did briefly wonder how she knew how to do that, but then thought it was just that I'm an idiot and she isn't.  But anyway, these pram fanatics. They just walk around, pushing their prams, looking like normal civilians. But little do you know that beneath the surface they are freaks of nature!! Tapping away on private Facebook groups about the latest model, or some wacky accessory that they've attached to their multifunctional, futuristic baby pusher.  
Five minutes of being on that Facebook page reaffirmed exactly why I am petrified of prams. I have not a single clue what I am doing. I don't know the "cool" makes. What if I get one that's blatantly shit and people laugh at me!! It's like being at high school all over again and having to decide on shoes and coats! In short, it's awful. 
The women on this page are like Pram Pros, discussing Urbo's, Solas, Armadillo Flips etc! What the hell!! I JUST WANT A PRAM!! You may as well be speaking another language. 
Don't talk to me about a Luna, a bug or an XT because I simply do not know what you're talking about you absolute lunatics!  All I want is a regular pram, with one of those carry cot things, in a grey or black, with the possibility of a snazzy blanket being thrown in? Oooh and one of them board things that my kid can stand on. 
I am so not cut out for this shit. I wasn't last time and I'm definitely not this time! 
If you're a pram fanatic I'm sure you're a wonderful person. But you must understand that you are also scary as fuck. And there is one terrified woman sat here typing this!! 
Normal women like me should not be able to join closed groups like that with such ease. There should be some prior warning given beforehand of what to expect and to determine whether you're made of strong enough stuff to be part of the group. 
I do of course realise that it's not just the scary pram people who are at fault. I am merely a pathetic loser who just isn't in the know. After realising I just wasn't getting it on Facebook I took to the online catalogues and miserably typed in "prams".
It was a good 15 minutes of thinking "Gosh! I've actually heard of silver cross prams, and these are quite reasonably priced" Before I realised I was actually looking at dolls prams. For children aged 3 and above. 
I'm just not sure what to do. Or where to go from here? 
I feel that walking to school holding my four year olds hand, whilst simultaneously having a baby strapped to me, and somehow carrying a coat, handbag and book bag, is going to be a far easier choice than putting myself through this pram hell. 
The idea was to make life easier, but instead I'm a raspberry footmuff away from armadillo flipping out. 
So that's where I currently stand with the pram situation. 
Stuck in pram limbo. 
I'm so befuddled by prams that the word pram doesn't even make sense anymore. 
Pram. 

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