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Thursday, 10 August 2017

Dear Sir David Attenborough - Please Answer My Child's Bullshit Questions


Dear Sir David Attenborough,

I understand you're a busy man, however, the summer holidays are upon us and my six year old has not stopped talking and asking questions since the day he exited the school gates three weeks ago.
These questions mainly appear to be about animals, and to be quite honest he's driving me bat shit crazy (pun intended).

So I'm passing him over to you, because quite frankly I can't take anymore of this shit.

Below are ten questions that I was asked in the single space of this morning. I'm placing my trust in you that you can answer these, resulting in a few minutes of peace before the endless curiosity commences again.

God Speed

1. Do hedgehogs sink when put in water? 
*I'm not sure when you would be in a situation that called for you to immerse a hedgehog in water, but let's just say you were

2. Do crocodiles have bones?

3. Do crocodiles have a lot of health? 
*I'm unaware as to whether he's referring to physical or mental heath, however if the Crocodile has a six year old who asks as many questions as mine (and we're talking about mental health) then I'd be inclined to say No, it fucking doesn't. How about you Sir David?

4. Is there a swimming rock that can kill you?         
*If there is then tell it to come find me.

5. Can a shark get you if you're in jail? 
*For clarification, I asked if he meant an underwater cage, but no, he means an actual Jail with 'bad guys'.

6. Do creatures have blood? Like Bees? Do Bees have blood?

7. What about spiders? Do they have bones and blood? 

8. Are Hedgehogs real?

9. Do zombies eat other zombies and if they do then do their teeth fall out?
 *Technically not an animal question, but do we even care at this point?*

10. If a shark eats your heart and eyeballs, do they go in to his blood?
*And a Bonus Question which he's just asked me as I sit quivering in to my cup of coffee, wishing it was Gin

11. Jean is actually real, but he's not. Is he? 
*We don't know who Jean is nor what their gender is. But we know 'he' doesn't like numbers

Dear Sir David.
Please fucking help me.