Most of us have been there, haven't we? Your beautiful bouncing baby makes a good start to weaning. You feel like you've got this shit covered. No fussy babies here! Then all of a sudden, BAM!! They don't want to eat a damn thing you put in front of them.
Some people blame Teething. Because we have to blame something right? Otherwise, this whole food strike would simply not make sense! "Maybe she's Teething? Well, she did have a disturbed sleep last night. Could she have a little cold perhaps? A sore throat? Anything! Just give me some meaning to this obscure behaviour!"
You offer finger foods. They're swiped to the floor.
You try feeding with a spoon. Their mouth clamps shut.
You're at the end of your tether. But fear not! I have several tried and tested solutions that will ensure your baby is eating again in no time!
1. You've presented your child with their meal and they've thrown every morsel on to the floor. Kick your feet back. Allow them to carry on with their business. Once they look at you with that smug little face, simply remove them from their highchair and place them on the floor. You can then watch proudly as your hard work pays off and your child crawls under the high chair and eats a hearty lunch from the floor. Like a dog. You can now scratch 'Teething' off your list of possible reasons for not eating and in the future try asking yourself "Do they want to be a dog? Is this why they're not eating?"
2. You've attempted to feed your child their morning porridge. With every trick you pull (here comes the choo choo train...) you're greeted with a closed mouth and a grimace. You're at your wits end. Don't reach for the Gin just yet (save that for around 5pm when you're really about to lose your shit). Instead, calmly walk away and make your own breakfast. Sit down and tuck in to your poached egg and beans on toast, and watch the little scamp suddenly take an interest in food after all and come begging at your knee. Like a dog.
3. Consider the possibility that your child just doesn't fancy what you're offering. They could be saving themselves for a more lavish and exotic dish later on in the day, such as fake stones from the fire, a muddy shoe, or the bookcase. Just like, you know, a dog.
4. Disguise their food. Just like your mum used to hide your veg in your mash potato, you too can play the same tricks. You could mould your child's healthy snack in to stones or lego perhaps? Bury them in some dirt in the garden or sprinkle them in dog shit. All these creative touches will appeal to your child's palette.
5. Opt for the easy choice and buy a lifetime supply of Skips, Wotsits, Quavers and Gin.
*The Gin is for you obviously. There's no way you'd take the risk of giving your baby Gin so they can sprinkle it all over the floor from their Tommee Tippee!
Wednesday, 23 August 2017
Thursday, 10 August 2017
Dear Sir David Attenborough,
I understand you're a busy man, however, the summer holidays are upon us and my six year old has not stopped talking and asking questions since the day he exited the school gates three weeks ago.
These questions mainly appear to be about animals, and to be quite honest he's driving me bat shit crazy (pun intended).
So I'm passing him over to you, because quite frankly I can't take anymore of this shit.
Below are ten questions that I was asked in the single space of this morning. I'm placing my trust in you that you can answer these, resulting in a few minutes of peace before the endless curiosity commences again.
1. Do hedgehogs sink when put in water?
*I'm not sure when you would be in a situation that called for you to immerse a hedgehog in water, but let's just say you were
2. Do crocodiles have bones?
3. Do crocodiles have a lot of health?
*I'm unaware as to whether he's referring to physical or mental heath, however if the Crocodile has a six year old who asks as many questions as mine (and we're talking about mental health) then I'd be inclined to say No, it fucking doesn't. How about you Sir David?
4. Is there a swimming rock that can kill you?
*If there is then tell it to come find me.
5. Can a shark get you if you're in jail?
*For clarification, I asked if he meant an underwater cage, but no, he means an actual Jail with 'bad guys'.
6. Do creatures have blood? Like Bees? Do Bees have blood?
7. What about spiders? Do they have bones and blood?
8. Are Hedgehogs real?
9. Do zombies eat other zombies and if they do then do their teeth fall out?
*Technically not an animal question, but do we even care at this point?*
10. If a shark eats your heart and eyeballs, do they go in to his blood?
*And a Bonus Question which he's just asked me as I sit quivering in to my cup of coffee, wishing it was Gin
11. Jean is actually real, but he's not. Is he?
*We don't know who Jean is nor what their gender is. But we know 'he' doesn't like numbers
Dear Sir David.
Please fucking help me.